I was set to talk about why my son’s nickname is Soldier but I received a pretty sad phone call that has left me contemplating life. It was a call from an ex-boyfriend; THE ex-boyfriend, the only one that has ever mattered. The only one that made me want to get married.
He called to tell me about his friends; they are married and they had a baby last Thursday. I met her when I went to visit the ex. We shared a girls’ day at the hair salon and then off to get a manicure and pedicure. Later that night the three of us went out for dinner and drinks. I never met her then fiance because he was working overseas during that time. This is their first child together.
The baby is healthy but unfortunately she had a hole in her heart. It filled during the delivery and she has already undergone two heart surgeries. It doesn’t look good and the doctors will attempt to save her again with one more surgery. I only met her that one day but the tears fell in a steady stream down my face. I took to her instantly. She was happy that ‘the boy’ and I were getting married. She and her husband just had a baby. What must he be going through? What about the baby?
And the boy’s muted and spiritless voice speaking to me through the phone did things to me as well. He was beyond sad. She was like his sister. She is like his sister. He is away from family right now. He’s in Asia, not due back until July. He could use a hug, the last one he had, he said, was July 2007 when his parents hugged him good-bye before he left.
I guess the last hug should have been mine but we broke up days before he left. The reasons for the end of the relationship is for a different time but needless to say I did what many people do when tragedy hits – I started thinking about my own relationships. And like I said, as far as I’m concerned I’ve only had one real relationship.
This past year I never stopped thinking about him and I constantly wonder ‘what if’. Was it as bad as I thought it was? Was it something we couldn’t work through? This sad tragedy was proof that life is short and what if my true love is sitting on the phone with me and neither of us can admit it? What if its a sign? Should it be ignored? What if its not a sign but life, and consequently doesn’t require me using it as something that it is not?
I know he wishes we could still be together. I have that dream sometimes as well. But I also know that it takes more than love and lust. My biggest fear in marriage is failure. I never want to get divorced. And maybe thats why I’m a bit of a big commitment phobe. But yesterday all I’ve been thinking about is love, regret, and never finding that special person. But really most times I don’t want to find that special person.
And I definitely don’t know how to handle finding that special someone and then having to deal with the pain should they leave this Earth before me. I don’t know if my heart can take ten minutes of that pain let alone months, years or a lifetime. So I’ll be praying for her until she gets better…because thats my hope that she wakes up and leaves the hospital so she can enjoy her family. I’m not, by any means, a religious person but I won’t lay my head down at night without praying for her.
-INC
“And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”
James 5:15-16
